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Words fail. This post is insufficient but it’s a start.

My heart hurts.
For our country.
For my beloved city of Atlanta.
For my black friends and community.

NO ONE should lose their life at the hands of another.
NO ONE should be judged or treated differently because of the color of their skin.
NO ONE should feel like they are unworthy of being heard.

I don’t understand. And I know there are some things I will never understand. I realize there are some things I will never experience simply because of the circumstances in which I was born and raised.

This world is broken.
This country is broken.
Our cities are broken.
I am broken.

Kyrie Elieson. Lord, have mercy. Jesus be near.

I’ve been trying to wrap my head around everything for the past few days but I can’t. There are so many layers. So many emotions. So many messages floating across my screen. So many facts, statistics, stories, images, opinions, articles, dos/don’ts, videos, graphs, arguments, assumptions, pleas, and prayers. It’s overwhelming.

The only thing I can really control is myself and how I interact with + steward my sphere. So today, I stand with renewed resolve to champion the dignity of my fellow human beings. May I listen attentively (and take notes) to gain a better perspective. May I seek to align my heart with God’s even when it’s uncomfortable to my flesh. May I courageously speak when needed. And may others experience Jesus in our interactions.

I keep asking myself, “what can I do? How can I be a part of the solution?” And yes, there are practical steps I can take but in the end, racism is a heart issue that can only be rooted out with a heart transplant.

I can’t do that.
But Jesus.
He can.

Jesus, this world needs you. Come turn hearts of stone into hearts of flesh.

I pray for the American Church.
Because of Jesus, we are reconciled back to God; let us also, be reconciled to our brothers and sisters.

Our God is a God of justice.
Let us discern with wisdom how to best reflect that attribute of His character.

Our God is Prince of Peace.
Let us seek to remember that vengeance is the Lord’s alone.

Our God is a God of order; not chaos.
Let us seek unity as we celebrate our diversity.

Our God is El Roi, the God who sees.
Let us see people as you do, Lord, precious beings created in your image.

Our God is compassionate.
Let us lay aside our assumptions that we might see another perspective.

Our God is gracious.
Let us extend the grace that has been extended to us.

Our God is slow to anger.
Let us healthily steward our emotions towards solutions

Our God is abounding in love.
Jesus, let us tangibly love as you do; heal our hearts and our land.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~Rom. 15:13

I love that this scripture talks about how joy and peace and hope are gifts from God. But I wonder if we’re opening our hands to receive those gifts? Friends, how can we have joy if we’re holding on to discontentment about the situation? How can we have peace if we’re bickering about the decisions our leaders make? Are we really trusting Him?

The hope we have in Jesus isn’t a kind of wish-upon-a-star magic. It’s real, secure and steadfast — it’s for certain. Yet it comes only when we trade our pride, our agenda, and our hope in ourselves for complete surrender to Jesus.

On our own strength, joy will be elusive and peace will waver. Yet the hope found in Jesus will never fade.

This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil, where Jesus has entered as a forerunner for us…~Hebrews 6:19

Jesus. Is. Hope.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him.

If you have any questions about trusting Jesus, I’d be honored to walk with you in finding answers. Feel free to reach out!

PS- coincidentally, Bible Project‘s Church At Home series highlights Hope this week. Check it out!

To build on yesterday’s thoughts:

Look at 1 Thessalonians 1:2,3. We always thank God for all of you and continually mention you in our prayers. We remember before our God and Father, your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ.

Endurance inspired by hope. It sounds so poetic but when you really think about it what does endurance require? It requires a longterm commitment. A pushing of our limits. A conscious decision to keep going when the going gets tough.

Hebrews 12:1,2 cheers us on. “…Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with endurance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith…”

This life adventure isn’t a sprint but a marathon. Endurance requires us to say no to the easy way out. But we know the struggle will be worth it. Because our hearts are fixed on Jesus.

Jesus. Is. Hope.

When we take our focus off of Him, we start to lose heart. We chase empty pursuits and our strength wanes. In short, we misplace our hope in things that cannot sustain us in the long run.

But Jesus. Is. Hope.

Nothing in this world can compare to the abundant life found in Him. He is our Sustainer and Endurance Giver. He’s our reward and biggest cheerleader.

May we fix our hearts on Him and allow his hope to carry us through.

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us ~Romans 5:3-5

I’ve been hanging on to this verse since the beginning of everything starting to shut down. It’s been such an encouragement.

And though I’m not sure, I personally, can equate my current situation with suffering (there is most certainly suffering happening right now but at best, personally, I’m majorly inconvenienced), it makes a good point.

When circumstances are difficult is when we are most tempted to throw in the towel. I think it’s interesting to note that you can’t develop perseverance without being faced with adversity. We pray for perseverance but don’t always realize that we might also be praying for our faith to be tested.

Yet, as this scripture points out, this is when our character is formed. This is when our hearts are sifted and we have to choice to be discontent or to trust that we serve a faithful and sovereign God. Sure, character is formed in every choice we make and how we react under different conditions but it seems to be amplified during hard times. Our response to difficulty helps set a precedent to how we’ll handle other situations.

Sidebar while we’re on the subject of character: I’m reminded of Proverbs 22:1 “A good name is more desirable that great riches…” Do we want to be known as complainers and quitters or overcomers and encouragers?

Back to Romans 5. The more I think about it, the more it seems like good character and hope are inseparable. We can have a positive outlook and choose to press on because we know, regardless of the final outcome, our God is the still on the throne. Though the result might not be what we wanted, we can trust that it’s for our good and His glory.

Our hope does not disappoint because it goes beyond circumstantial feelings. It’s rooted in the love Jesus showed when He gave Himself for us on the cross. And it’s revealed to us by the Holy Spirit living within everyone who’s made Jesus king of their heart.
Jesus. Is. Hope.

Because of His sacrifice, we are empowered to persevere and develop character in the midst of trials. May we choose to press on in the hope that does not disappoint.

Hope — I think it might be my favorite word in the English vocabulary — full of joyful expectation in the midst of unknowns. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately.

There’s a sort of worldly hope and an eternal hope. The worldly hope is a kind of wishing for certain outcomes yet not having sure grounds for those expectations. It’s fickle and often leads to worry.

Eternal hope is something that we can always hold on to. It can’t be taken away because it is founded in the never changing, always steadfast, almighty God.

Jesus. Is. Hope.

I’m not saying that things will always turn out picture perfectly if we trust in Jesus. In John 16:33 He says, “in this world you will have trouble.” I am saying that this hope is not empty — in that same verse, Jesus gives us His peace and reassures us that He has overcome the world.

The hope found in Jesus won’t leave you wallowing in what-ifs trying to figure things out on your own. Even when things don’t turn out the way we want them to, we can always trust Him. We can trust that He is working everything for our good and His glory. We don’t have to worry because He is our peace. We can look forward in joyful expectation because we know that in Him is abundant life.

Jesus. Is. Hope.

In Jesus, hope is one thing we can count on as a constant. Amidst uncertainty and so many tentative plans, hope is not cancelled!

Several scriptures have surfaced over the past few months that give us some hope{full} encouragement. Over the next few posts we’ll be unpacking them a little bit with a sort of mini-series.

Stay strong, friends! Please let me know if I can be praying for you in any way! Know you are loved!

I’m not sure about you but I’ve developed a severe case of Cabin Fever this week. I want to go somewhere and do something. Restless.

In addition to too much Instagram, I’ve resorted to entertaining myself by doing handstands on the walls, sitting upside down on the couch, and picking all the dandelions in our yard — like over 100 of them (I know they’re weeds but they make me happy). Don’t worry, I’ve also been finding a balance of productivity with some fun projects coming up ;-).

It got me thinking. Restlessness is not always a bad thing. Spiritually, the sense that there’s something better or the grass is greener is part of the eternal call of God on our hearts. When we’re spiritually restless, it could be God asking us to take a step of obedience in faith or it could be a sign of conviction that a sin pattern needs to be addressed.

Yet, there’s another kind of restlessness that comes from discontentment. Sometimes it manifests itself physically — like how I told Caleb that I had a strong urge to climb a tree this week but alas, there are no good climbing trees in our vicinity. Or sometimes it’s more inward — like how anxiety creeps in and we try to fill the void by flitting from distraction to distraction.

Regardless, perhaps God is trying to get our attention.

A song that really encouraged me this week is Constant by Charlie Hall. It talks about Jesus’ faithfulness to lead us into beautiful places. It reminds me of Psalm 16 verse 6 “The lines boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance”

Or Psalm 23 how the Good Shepherd leads us by still water and makes us lie down in green pastures.

Maybe in the restlessness, He’s calling us to rest. Maybe He’s asking us to be still and to choose to see the pleasant place, to which He’s called us.

I know for some of us, it’s probably hard to see the pleasant places. With so much uncertainty and the lack of physical community, our world is full of anxiety. Financial unknowns, the seeming inability to plan anything (something this planner is learning to release), the feeling that maybe we got jipped on experiencing a graduation or wedding like we wanted to. It’s easy to be discontent and to try to “fix” it through our own efforts. But that just leads us to gripping tighter to things we weren’t meant to control.

Perhaps He’s asking us to open our hands and see the beautiful place He’s brought us to in the midst of the chaos.

Maybe He wants us to consider the bigger picture. He is our Provider. He is our Constant. He is our Prince of Peace. He is our satisfaction.

We’re given a limited time on this planet. Are we going to spend it in a pity party or are we going to choose to see the beautiful places Jesus has led us to? Are we going to be discontent with the circumstances or see them as opportunities to be conduits of hope and peace? Are we going to waste this time by worrying or are we going to leverage it to point people to Jesus?

Jesus, be our peace and comfort. Reassure us that we are exactly where you need us to be (even if that’s on our couch) and show us how to steward this time well. Be our rest even as we might be restless. We love you!

“Now, listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend an year there carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that” ~James 4:13-15

I know I posted this on my birthday but I’ve been thinking about it a lot this week.

Pre-corona, Jane, Mommy, and I were headed to Milford, New Hampshire for Bluebird to participate in the New England Inspirational Dance Collective hosted by my good friend, Robyn and her company Saving Grace. I was going to teach a master class and we had two pieces to perform in the culminating performance — a super cute premiere with prop chairs, swishy skirts + pointe shoes, and Ella Fitzgerald as well as our classic Beautiful Things. After that, Mommy and I were going to spend some time in NYC visiting my brother and sister-in-law, taking classes (me, not Mommy), scoping out a potential venue for a future show, and exploring like BFF adventure buddies do.

Needless to say, no one performed this weekend. Am I bummed? Of course! And if I’m honest, as a dancer, I get really sad thinking about the prospect of no performances (or at least performances like we’re used to) in the near future. It’s finally sinking it that life as we knew it, is no more.

I’m learning a few things.

It’s ok to grieve. From hangouts with friends to church gatherings to celebrating life milestones to jobs, we’ve all sustained significant loss over the past few weeks. I tend to either stuff my feelings down or rush past them to charge ahead and be a problem solver and move forward. But I’m recognizing that it’s ok to admit that “I really wanted to have that experience” or “I was excited about those plans.” And it’s ok to be sad about it; the feelings of loss are valid.

Yet, going back to the scripture in James, I’m also reminded that we serve an omniscient God. He’s ordained our days in eternity before we were even thought of. And if we believe that He is sovereign, then maybe we weren’t supposed to experience those things in the first place. We only have this current moment we find ourselves in—the future is not guaranteed — and maybe, just maybe, we’re exactly where He needs us to be.

On the flip side of things, we should also look at where we are going. How can we steward this time well? What can we cultivate now, that will only help us down the road? There’s a lot of discussion floating around the internet right now about the American addiction to productivity and inability to slow down — not quite talking about that (another discussion for another day). I’m thinking not just physically but spiritually. A friend of mine sent me the fruits of the Spirit the other day with a prayer to “tune into the frequency of holiness” (thanks, Hannah! You rock!). We can cultivate kindness, loving others, patience (oh patience, why art thou so hard?), good habits, regular words of encouragement, practicing joy, proclaiming hope and peace, gentleness, self-control (ooh, big one on so many fronts), and so much more.

Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom, Lord ~Psalm 90:12

Lastly, I’ve been praying and thinking about what it means to lead well in this time. Brainstorming ways for Bluebird Uncaged to continue to bring hope and dignity through dance when our previous business models have been absolutely blown out of the water (and most likely shattered for the next 12-18 months). On one hand, it’s scary but on the other, it’s refreshingly freeing. It’s forcing creativity, it’s forging a stronger community (check out this video collab we just released!) and facilitating more connections. I’m excitedly terrified to take some faith steps. (Would love your prayers).

“Everything’s just so weird,” Caleb and I keep saying to each other. Unprecedented is the fancy name for it, I gather. Yes, it’s weird, it’s unprecedented — but none of it is a surprise to God.

What are you grieving? What are you going to cultivate? How are you going to lead well? What are some faith-steps you need to courageously take?

May we trust Him. Let us grieve what might have been but not remain stuck there. Let us also gather the strength to pick up the pieces to move forward. Lord, give us the wisdom to make the most of every opportunity (Eph. 5:15,16) and let us cultivate goodness for the future. We trust you. Be glorified.

PS—if you’ve read this far: this podcast and this podcast have been super helpful in thinking about how to steward this time and I highly recommend a listen.

**Disclaimer: this post has been in my drafts for a few — ok more like six — months. I really didn’t want to post it because of the perceived stigma around the subject of singleness. But I thought about how encouraged I am whenever I read something along the same vein and I realized that maybe, in my pride, I was stuffing some things down for fear of appearing “needy” or “desperate.” There’s no shame in voicing these thoughts, friends. Not out of a desire for attention or pity but out of a need to be real and honest. So here we go…

When I saw that my reading for the day was from Song of Solomon, I inwardly groaned and rolled my eyes. I knew it was inevitable when I committed to a one year reading plan but my cynicism was getting the best of me that day. What is a single woman like me going to get out of a book about two lovers? And then I know people say to read it as if Jesus is loving you but was it really written to be read that way? (another discussion for another day).

I wish I could say that I gave myself a pep talk about scripture being the inspired Word of God and how I should be respectful and listen to how the Spirit would speak to me through these words, but I didn’t. Instead I read it while trying not to imagine anything too vividly.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
~Song of Solomon 8:4

Of course, as the single woman, this is the one that stood out because is almost seemed the only one I could apply. But it struck me that this verse is repeated three times throughout eight chapters. Almost like an overarching theme…

Then, the next passage in my reading plan was from Ecclesiastes. It was interesting to see the juxtaposition of these passages— especially this verse.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
~Ecclesiastes 3:11

It was reassurance that God has me and His timing is perfect. He’s the God of immeasurably more and I don’t have to strive to figure it all out.

Exodus 14:14 also came to mind
“the Lord will fight for you, you need only be still”

In a recent sermon I listened to, my pastor mentioned that what may seem like a delay to us is God’s patience that all might come to repentance (2 Peter 3:9).

Maybe the reason, my spouse and I haven’t met yet (or have we?) is because God has more things for me to accomplish as a single woman. Maybe He wants to use me to point to Jesus that I wouldn’t otherwise interact with in another season of life. He’s got a plan. Something bigger than I can foresee or imagine. Beyond the scope of my little brain.

Not saying I haven’t shed many a tear over the state of my “love life” (or lack thereof). Not saying I haven’t sat through many a wedding and asked “When will it be my turn?” Not going to deny that there’s a sort of bittersweetness when friends get engaged. Not saying I haven’t asked, “God, why does she get a boyfriend and I don’t?” Not even going to deny a phase of reading an excess of relationship books in order to “figure this thing out.”

The problem with the thoughts mentioned above is that they start and end with me. The above perspective takes a good desire (one that I believe to be God-given) and twists it to become inward-looking discontentment. In a word, it’s idolatry and takes our eyes off Jesus.

But only Jesus can truly satisfy the longings of my heart. I know that. I truly believe that. And if my desires are pointing us to Him + causing us to rely on His strength and grace more and more, then it’s not a bad thing at all. When I sit back and consider the past few years I am SO grateful for His faithfulness in my life. I am SO glad He’s provided these opportunities and scenarios that could not have been possible otherwise. As I learn to delight in Jesus, He’s shaped these desires in ways I could have never imagined.

Yet, to be completely and vulnerably honest, one of my greatest fears is being single past a certain age. Just going to publicly call that fear out. I know that no man is going to solve all my problems or cause me to never be lonely (and I pray I never put that expectation on anyone) I know marriage will not make this Jesus-journey any easier. But the desire for intentional companionship is real. The desire to have a family is real.

God doesn’t promise me a husband. But he does promise to never leave me nor forsake me. He does promise to supply all of my needs. He does promise a hope and a future and to work things together for my good. He does promise abundant life in Him. And those are things I wouldn’t trade for the world.

People tell me to try a dating app. “You’re an amazing girl,” they say, “you need to put yourself out there” “Thanks for your vote of confidence” I say with a chuckle, “but I don’t think I have the bandwidth for that right now.”

And you know what? If marriage was THE goal, then yes, I’d do everything in my power to meet a man. But if the goal of my life is to bring God the most glory, I should leave the pen of my love story in His hand and on His timing. Given the current state of world affairs, I’ll admit, I’m tempted to think the situation is pretty dismal. But I also know that our God is bigger. And I trust Him. I will be patient. I will be brave. I will not compromise. I will steward this time to the best of my ability and giftings. I will not be cynical but hope{full}. The best is yet to come (regardless of if that includes a husband or not).

Praying for you, dear friends, in this season. May we rest in His perfect plan and faithfully steward the now in light of eternity. May we delight in Him so His desires become ours. Let us not become bitter or cynical but remember that He’s a good God who longs to be gracious to me and give good gifts to His children. And if/when the time comes for us to join forces with a life-adventure buddy, may we point each other and those around us to Jesus.

This new normal. It’s not supposed to be like this.

The barre I ordered before Amazon shut down all non-essential deliveries was supposed to come today. My little Marley square came yesterday and I was waiting to open it to assemble them all together. But I had to teach class via Zoom tonight so I went ahead and laid the floor. Last week, I was pulling out all of my home workout stuff. “Apparently I have three yoga mats” I texted Mommy. Today, I went to lay the floor before my class and I thought I would put the yoga mats underneath the Marley so I wouldn’t be dancing on hard concrete (Corona ain’t gonna give me shin splints, no sir). They fit perfectly under the floor “This is why God gave me three yoga mats” I texted Mommy. It was a little gift. El Roi— the God who sees.

It started to feel a little more like the familiarness of a studio with the Marley. So I just laid there, like I’ve done many times in the studio. On my back, worship music in the airpods. And I got really sad. Because it’s not supposed to be like this. I’m so grateful for technology but dance is not supposed to be taught through a screen. I’m so grateful for our large basement but I’m not supposed to be confined to a 6ft x 6ft square of Marley and my tiny 5’ 2” frame isn’t supposed to hit the air ducts when I raise my arms to fifth. I started to remember how it feels to fly in grand allegro. And wondered how my jumps might suffer from not being able to practice them for who knows how long.

Then I remembered the feeling of performing on stage. And wondered when I might get to be on stage again. My thoughts drifted to all the empty theaters around the world right now. Their lobbies usually filled with the social buzz of anticipation. Their stages the canvas where hard won creativity, countless hours of sweat, practice, and design culminate in beauty that dazzles the senses. Now, cavernous spaces— quiet, dark, at rest.

And I started to cry. Because it’s not supposed to be this way. Sean Curran’s Bigger Than I Thought played as the tears fell down the side of my head to make tiny puddles in my ears. No, it’s not supposed to be this way. We live in broken world. “I will rest in the Father’s hands, leave the rest in the Father’s hands” He’s got this broken world in His hands. And it’s okay to feel sad about what’s going on. We don’t have to pretend everything is all sunshine and roses when it’s not. His heart hurts for this world too. When Lazarus died, Jesus wept. We do not have a Savior who cannot sympathize with our sufferings.

“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.” (Ps. 91:1). He’s got this. He’s bigger than we think. He will fight for us, we need only be still. Ironically that’s what this virus is doing for most of us — forcing us to be still. And ironically being still is counterintuitive to dancing.

Maybe it is supposed to be like this. Not the brokenness and chaos but maybe I am supposed to slow down. Maybe in the stillness, He wants our attention. Maybe the silence echoes the greatest redemption story ever told. Maybe it’s not supposed to make sense. Maybe He’s asking us to rest and trust.

One day, I will be able to jump high again. One day I will be reunited with my students face to face. One day, I will perform again. One day we will once again hear the orchestra warming up and the sound of applause fill the space beyond the fly rails. And we will recognize the gifts we have in such things.

In the meantime, I’ll find my strength in His joy. I will steward these days well. I will dance on a tiny square of Marley with my hands touching the ceiling. I will teach to the best of my ability through little rectangles on a screen. And I will do it without grumbling or complaining. Because suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character, and character hope. And hope does not disappoint (Romans 5:3-5).

Exodus 14:14, Psalm 46:10, Philippians 2:14,

Commandeered by Corona, my birthday has been.
But defeated is an emotion I’m not choosing in this self-quarantine.
.
Friends from 5 different states
Helped me celebrate.
And though we couldn’t hug,
I could still feel the love.
.
It wasn’t as originally planned,
But still it was quite grand.
Life is amazing, of this I’m quite sure
I’m looking forward to the next year of adventure.
.
For each text, letter, and call
I love you all.
At this rate,
Twenty-eight is gonna be great!!

As my twenty-eighth birthday comes to a close, it’s definitely been one to remember. Needless to say, it didn’t look at all like I imagined. Originally on Saturday, my mom and I were going to go Ponce City Market to the Splatter Room and the Glossier pop-up shop. Then today I was going to have a tie-dye party. It was actually the first time in a few years that I had definite plans to be excited about for my birthday. But as we all know, those plans didn’t come to fruition. Instead I had a virtual party over Zoom. It was pretty cool but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling a little sad. I’ve been thinking about James 4:13-15 this week.

“Now, listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend an year there carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that”

Just a reminder that this life is fleeting and God’s got it all under control. My heart is heavy with what the world is facing right now. These days are a somber kind of beautiful. With that in mind I’m praying 1 Thessalonians 1:3 over year 28. May my life be marked by steps taken in faith, actions prompted by love, and endurance inspired by hope.

And to end on a happy note, here’s a list of 28 things I’m grateful for!

• Jesus
• my family
• ballet!
• community and friends
• this season of singleness (though he can show up any day now and I won’t be mad at it. haha. More on that later)
• the Church and my home church
• online courses and the ability to learn
• books
• creativity
• finding magic in the mundane
• colorful pens
• a dream job
• my students
• mentors and wisdom from those further along on this life adventure
• social media
• opportunities to perform
• flowers!
• fairytales
• a healthy body
• technology
• music from hymns to rap and everything in between
• chocolate! (and sweets in general)
• antique furniture
• God’s faithfulness, peace and hope
• a house to live in
• travel
• prayer
• big dreams + life purpose